For today’s post, I’m going to get personal about myself, which means that I am vulnerable, but I think it is very important to point it out.
So, you do the Whole 30, you work out 4-5 times a week (nothing too strenuous), you go for daily walks, you get a good night’s sleep every night, and you take your vitamins. On paper, you do everything right, and when you look around at how everyone else is eating and living their life, you give yourself a pat on the back for taking your health into your hands and taking care of your body (I mean, you only get one).
And yet, despite doing everything ‘right,’ you find yourself spiraling out of control over the smallest of things. One tiny slip up and you becoming an emotional tsunami on everyone and anyone who you think can take a hit.
I like to think that I am a happy person, that I have my life together. I have a great job, a great boyfriend, a great family, and friends. I have a roof over my head, and never have to worry about whether or not I can put food on the table (financially – whether or not I want to cook is a whole other story hahaha). I have a good life.
So, why do I use myself as a punching bag regularly?
Here’s what I’m talking about. I like to refer to myself as the smartest moron that I know, and I am actually kind of right. Despite the fact that I have a Masters degree in Electrical Engineering, I am extremely forgetful, illogical, and have virtually no street smarts.
A perfect example: Last night, the power went out in my apartment complex twice. The first time, it came back on in about ten seconds. The second time, I waited for about 20 seconds for it to come back on, and when it didn’t, I went into ‘the power is not coming back on’ mode and started lighting candles, turning on flashlights, etc. Even though I felt woefully unprepared for a power outage, it became clear that I was much more prepared than the entire rest of my apartment complex. As I looked out my balcony, I didn’t see any candlelight, flashlights, or anything in the other units. Immediately, I thought, I have to protect myself so that no one is tempted to break into my apartment, since I clearly have my ducks in a row.
So I locked the door, and chained it shut.
And briefly patted myself on the back for protecting myself – noting how proud of me my boyfriend will be.
The power came back on in about an hour and a half, and I resumed my normal nightly activities of making my breakfast and lunch for the next day, opting for an early bedtime. I was awakened at 11PM by the loudest yelling of my name I’ve ever heard, followed by ‘OPEN THIS DOOR!!’
I had forgotten to unchain the door.
I ran out, unchained it, and my boyfriend was understandably angry. I started down a thought spiral of ‘you are a moron,’ ‘how can anyone love you,’ and other self destructive thoughts. My boyfriend had a beer and a good meal and he got over it, while I lay in bed tossing and turning and freaking out.
I know I was being irrational, but at the same time, I couldn’t stop those self destructive thoughts. Which leads me to the reason I wrote this post: fixing my diet, though it helped me considerably, did not fix the emotional outburst problems I’ve been having since day one. It made me realize that I need more help.
Sometimes, fixing your diet and lifestyle will fix any hormonal imbalances and fix any emotional issues you may still be having. But sometimes, those deep seated and self destructive thoughts don’t go away, and you need more help. This post isn’t to insight pity; I wrote it so that if anyone else reading this feels like they’ve done everything and they’re still a failure, they know that they aren’t alone.
And they aren’t broken either.
I’ve decided to see a therapist to hopefully learn some tools for battling my inner demons. If I find anything particularly useful, I will mention it in a blog entry.
I know that I’m ending this on a sour note, but I am hopeful that I will finally find some help with my problems. Thanks for reading, and stay healthy friends!